Not Quite Balloon Animals
by NeonDomino
Summary: There are some muggle items that pure-bloods know nothing about. What happens when Sirius and James get their hands on boxes of what they assume to be balloons? One-Shot.


**The Sacred Stones Competition - Write a ficlet of between 1000 and 1500 words that is set during the First Wizarding War. [3 Gold earned for submission] Prompt: Protection.**

**I originally planned for this to be about protection like Sirius protecting Remus from Death Eaters.**

**A conversation with FireFly and Raybe completely changed how I viewed this prompt. (Thanks you both for your help)**

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"It's a muggle thing," Andromeda said with a blush on her cheeks.

Sirius looked at the box again. "Right, but what do they do?"

"They..." Andromeda looked at her husband for help. "You know what. You don't need to worry about it, Sirius. You'll never need any of these."

"So, you're not going to tell me?" Sirius asked, pouting slightly.

"It was just a joke present," Andromeda told him, handing the box to Ted who went to put it away. "Ted's brother got them for us as a joke. They are just a joke."

"I want to know what the joke is," Sirius argued, finding himself at a loss. It was clear that Andy wasn't planning him on telling him what that box was, but Sirius had the box memorised and he would find out exactly what it was.

It took Sirius a few days before he found the box in the supermarket. He grabbed a stack of them. Judging by Andy and Ted's reactions, these things must be a lot of fun.

**...oOo...**

"So, what are they?" James asked, picking up one of the boxes that Sirius placed on the counter.

"I don't have a clue. Remember I told you that Andy got all embarrassed about my finding the box of them in their house? They must be something either really horrible or really fun," Sirius replied.

"Which do you think it is?" James asked, beginning to open the box, ignoring the writing on it.

"I'm not sure. The girl at the till gave me some weird look when she saw me buying them though, so I hope they're good," Sirius replied.

James looked at the blue and silver square that he had taken out of the box, flipping it over before tearing it open. He pulled the latex ring out and put the wrapper on the side next to him.

"Well?" Sirius asked, looking at it impatiently.

"It's... I don't know," James muttered. "Hey wait, it unrolls." He began to unroll the condom.

"Are they balloons?"

"I think they are," James said. "Just a bit thicker."

"Oh." Sirius looked disappointed. "What will we do with them?" He asked.

James shrugged. "Well, you do have nine boxes of them, so we need to find something to do with them."

"I'm sure we'll work something out," Sirius replied.

**...oOo...**

"It was amazing," Lily said, putting the key in the door and pushing it open. The group always used keys just in case neighbours were watching, and Lily tossed them into a jar by the door as she walked inside. Remus pushed the door closed behind him. "We should go to the theatre more often."

"Well, we would but James can't seem to function without you," Remus joked, turning around. He frowned and leaned down to pick up a silver wrapper off the floor.

"What is going on?" Remus muttered.

"A condom wrapper?" Lily said, frowning. "What is that doing here?"

"I was just wondering that myself," Remus said. "Maybe Sirius picked up a muggle girl and she -"

"Don't torment yourself," Lily began. "I'm sure..." she trailed off, leaning down to pick up another wrapper on the floor.

"Why are there two condom wrappers in our hallway?" She asked.

"Well, I'm not going in there to see him and his latest... whatever sprawled out in the living room."

"What makes you think they're in the living room?" Lily asked, scared to open the door to the living room in case Remus was right.

"Because if they were opening condoms in the hallway, I doubt they made it to Sirius' bedroom," Remus retorted.

"Okay, I'm going in... I'll kill him if he's shagging on my sofa," she said, pushing the door open, Remus staying in the hallway just in case.

"What the bloody hell is going on?" Lily said, looking around the room. Hey eyes moving from the various condom wrappers, to the empty bottles of firewhisky and finally to a various range of balloon animals.

Though they weren't balloon animals.

They were condom animals.

"Lily. Sirius found these amazing balloons," James said, a hat perched on his head. Lily stared at him, her lips twitching.

"Remus, it's safe to come in," she called, and the door opened behind her.

"Moony," Sirius said, stumbling to his feet. "We made you a balloon hat."

"A... balloon hat?" Remus asked, taking a look at the hat made from blown up condoms.

"Yeah. Andy tried to keep the fun balloons a secret but I found them in the supermarket," Sirius explained. "And she wouldn't tell me what they were, but we worked it out. I bought all the boxes and we made animals."

Remus reached for the nearest one. "What is this one?"

"That, my dearest Remus, is a balloon Moony," Sirius said proudly.

"And this?"

"A balloon Padfoot."

Remus looked at Lily and they both burst into laughter. The 'balloon' animals fell to the floor and James and Sirius looked at them in confusion.

"What's so funny?" James demanded.

Lily caught Remus' eye again and the laughter started all over again.

"Those aren't balloons," Remus choked out between his laughs.

"Well, what are they?" James asked.

"They are condoms," Lily explained wiping away the tears and trying not to look at Remus again.

"What the fuck are condoms?" James asked.

The laughter died down. "Wait, you don't know what... oh, of course you wouldn't," Remus said. "Look, please for the love of Merlin take off those hats and lets sit down and talk about this."

**...oOo...**

"Protection?" Sirius questioned. "I don't think I get what you mean."

"You know, for sex," Remus explained.

"But there are spells for sex protection," Sirius replied.

Remus wondered if Lily's talk was going any better with James.

"Muggles don't have these spells. They have tablets and condoms to stop pregnancy and -"

"How do they work?" Sirius asked.

Remus looked at the condom Sirius was holding. "Well, think about the shape... and... and where it would go to stop... things -"

Sirius smirked as he realised what Remus was trying to say.

"How do you know? Didn't you just learn the spells too?" he asked.

"My mum is a muggle, remember. She bought me a box when I was fifteen."

"Oh, so you know how to put them on, do you? Maybe you could give me a more practical demonstration?" Sirius interupted, offering it to Remus. "You know, show me exactly where it goes, being the expert and all?"

"Piss off," Remus said, blushing. "I'm going to bed... to sleep."

"Maybe tomorrow?" Sirius called after him, laughing at the sound of Remus' bedroom door slamming.

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**Yeah. I don't know what happened. Thanks for reading.**

**Review please :)**


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